Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I would fuck him just for his dog
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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