Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
