sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
