..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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