got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
