i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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