I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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