if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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