was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
