mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
