I'm so fucking centered right now
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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