So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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