I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
