We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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