I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
