did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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