watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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