When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
