By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
