Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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