just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I forgot wine drunk hurts
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
