i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
