highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
