I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize