Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
