And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize