I wish I could teleport
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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