fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't deserve a penis
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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