In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I am available for nakedness
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
