Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
