sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We have started to decorate penises.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
