I wanna bring you to show and tell
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
