3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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