dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize