And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
