Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
