just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Cover your peen. We're going out.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
