Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
