dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
