The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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