Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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