Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
