I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
