Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize