Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
