Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
