Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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