i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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