yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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