he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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