Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
