The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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