Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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