found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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