I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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