she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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