I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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