Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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