im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize