hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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