You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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