i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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