FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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