I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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